Back to school, sian

There's school tomorrow. I can't believe that the June holidays are over already. How time fliess...

Yeah, so true..

Dear july2013-nov2013,

Please be good to me. I know that it won't be easy in these months coming up to the O levels and it would require the support and encouragement of many people to get me through. But I hope that I'll be able to pull through strong and never give up on myself. It may be tiring, tough, stressful and demanding, but please help me to endure and believe in myself. It will get tough, and I'm trying to mentally prepare myself. But I hope that I would not procrastinate and I'll do my very best. I want to make my family, friends, teachers and school proud of me, and not be a disappointment like how I am now.

On a side note, I feel weird if I wear this black nerdy specs to school tomorrow. Should I?? Can someone please tell me?? And should I let down my fringe, okay maybe not. I'll look weird.

TGIJ

I didn't post yesterday cause I was too tired, so I shall post everything now!!

Went for Avengers Running Man Version: The Quest of the Tesseract and it was AWESOME!!

We were first split into groups by numbering 1-6. I was '2' and Nadine was '3' since she sat beside me. Our groups were beside each other. When I went to my group, I told Nadine "Eh, I think I'm the only sister here leh" and she was like "Me too!" And indeed, both our groups had only 1 girl. But fortunately, they rearranged everyone into only 5 groups and Nadine and I were together! And we had to place a tag on one person's back, which we placed on 'tall guy' since he was so tall. And we had to go around to different places to try to get secret weapons and tear off other group's tag. We managed to tear off 1 since we worked together and cornered Issac, HAHA. His group was out!

And I didn't know Eugene knew me so well, HAHA.. Sorry bro, I didn't eat anything the whole day, so no energy to run.

Also, there were 3 lokys among us who were supposed to oppose everyone and try to grab 3 tags. Once they have 3, they win. And one loky was in our group, Steffi. HAHA, I just knew she was the loky, cause why would she want to join me and Nadine when her clique was somewhere else? A bit peculiar.

We managed to get 2 weapons! But unfortunately, the lokys won and all groups lost.

How we were tying uncooked beehon with rubber bands, HAHA. The beehon is so brittle and fragile and it wasn't easy at all! And I just realized that 'tall guy' is so tall, he's almost my height when he kneels.

At 4.30pm, went to have my lunch at Macs in Ang Mo Kio with Violet, Angela and Zena. It was soooo great to spend time with these wonderful people! We talked and talked and I ate like some pig. I even helped Angela finish her fries, HAHAHA, but she said I could cause she was full.. What I just needed to hear when I'm starving, HAHA, jk, thanks Angela!

Then I went to Jurong Point to meet my family and we had dinner at MOF (Ministry of Food)! When Dad told me that we're going there, I was like 'the ministry is located here? And we go there for what?' but I realized that it was another restaurant, and the food was great! It was like a mix of Japanese and Western. And I obviously ate somemore, which makes me an even bigger pig, but everyone ordered something and no one could finish cause it was so big, so me, who did not order anything except for ICE-CREAM since I was craving very badly for ice-cream, ate everything up. The food was great!

And bro reached home at 11.45pm cause he's going to sing and dance during National Day, and there were rehearsals after rehearsals and woah, so tiring. ENDURE, BRO!! And I think his outfit is so cute, red and white like some Russian country's traditional costume, HAHA.. Even though it's only red and white, I think that it's super cool. He came home in the costume, and I found it so cool, I think after NDP, I'm going to steal it. Should be able to wear. And they got a free pair of sneakers, AHHH, but it's white.. I really feel like painting it after NDP, or maybe splat paint, that'd be really cool!

What the?!

Please don't spoil the fun... Send this to all ur contacts & see what they do for you.. Look at the month you were born in and whatever it says you must do for me.

January-write a cute paragraph for me

Febuary-two things you hate about me?

March-tell me one thing you wouldn't change about me

April-tell me your deepest secret

May- one word for me

June-take a picture of yourself and send it 

July-describe me in a line

August-rate me out of 10

September-give me a big hug the next time you see me

October-tell me two things you love about me

November- answer me truthfully, would you date me?

December-tell me your honest opinion about me

Please don't spoil the fun... Send this to all your contacts & see what they do for you.. even if you are not talking

WHAT THE?! WHAT IS KIREN DOING?? Now, I'm supposed to take a pic of myself and send it to her, haizz.. And NO WAY am I going to send this to all my contacts, so paiseh

I pity the Febuary babies, must write something you hate about someone.. Hate is such a strong word. And the November one is like WHAT?!

My random thoughts

I'm about to complete all the cards soon, but then I realized that there's no way to give it to them, HOW?? And I don't know if we need to go back to school tomorrow, Haiz.. Maybe I should be more productive.

And I don't really know if I should let down my fringe on Monday?! 2 MORE DAYS TO DECIDE.. Aunt said I look funny and I kinda agree with her. Okay, maybe I shouldn't, HAHA I doubt anyone will even realize cause I told no one, okay, maybe 1 person..

And there's GEOG test coming up, and I LOST MY GEOG TB!! I'm feeling so insecure now. The textbook was my only hope of geog, and now everything's gone, how?? And I'm in URGENT need of a geog textbook, but there's no one here to hear my plea for a geog tb and no one will want to get it for me.. I feel so sorry for Gary Tan, I keep letting him down. He's a really good teacher and my geog isn't very good. Time to start searching for a geog tb or maybe I should just use the power pact, but honestly, I don't really like it. I still prefer the textbook, but there's nothing I can do now. I shall just make do with whatever I've got I guess?

Hopeful..

Just had tuition. Laoshi told me that I look more worn out and tired. Usually I'm not the kind of person who will be scared and afraid of exams and whatnots and I take things easily (according to her), I don't know if it's a bad thing or a good thing.. But she said she was really surprised. She said I look so stressed out and that I should take a break and maybe sleep earlier, HAHA..

But yeah, gotta admit that I've been sleeping really late nowadays. I'm so scared, and really afraid of what the future might hold. That's not really the main point, but I guess it's a contributing factor.

I just hope for things to return to normal, to live like before, to sleep and eat and enjoy life. BUT FAT HOPE. I know I'm just going to seem like a normal kid, smiling and seeming like I'm living a carefree life, but in reality, I'm not. Behind the smile and carefree lifestyle, hides a vulnerable me, hides a scared little kid. I still remembered Arina drawing a picture for me with the words 'Plastered smile'. I didn't really understand what she was going through then, maybe cause I'm forever one step behind everyone in terms of maturity. But yeah, I kinda understand a bit now..

HAHA, on a brighter note, I still remembered Qiaoxu telling me and Wendy on my birthday that the both of us are so old, yet we're the most childish and immature, HAHA. Gotta admit it's kinda true. I like it this way, though, HAHAHA

I think I've truly gotten over the incident now.. I don't really mind people reading this now, HAHA, life's isn't really how I've expected it to be, and maybe it's the imperfections that makes life more worthwhile. And I'm terribly sorry for being selfish, and not putting myself into the shoes of others. I know life's not going to be smooth, but I'll be fine. I really feel like texting someone, but nope, I'm not going to start a conversation. I think I'll spam the first person who texts me with my life, HAHAHA

I'm feeling exceptionally happy and excited now, I don't really know why. Maybe it's because there are people out there who sincerely care for me. I know it isn't easy to keep up with the life of so many people, but I think I'm still doing great! :) YAYYYYYYY, I THINK I'M GOING HIGH!!!! Maybe I should be patient and wait for the first person who texts.. AWAITING IN THE PROCESSSSS!! :))

TRUST

Dependence on Christ is not a sign of weakness, but of strength.

I'm so excited for the sleepover in church on Friday after midweek and Avengers Running Man Version: The Quest of the Tesseract on Saturday to end off Thank God It's June (TGIJ) month. The event sounds so chim and I don't really know what it means, but spending time and playing with the teens is something I'm looking forward to. SLEEPOVER with Violet's family group in church after midweek is going to be really exciting and I'm looking forward to it.. It'll allow me to meet many new teens and forge stronger friendships! :) I thank God for putting Violet in my life ever since we were babies and we've been friends for 16 years now! And I don't really know what to expect for the Avengers thing, but I'm excited. There's always a surprise in every outing, and I'm really excited!! :)

FULFILL YOUR DESTINY

If you work hard, you'll surpass your expectations and AMAZING THINGS will happen.. Yet, today was unproductive, slacking in front of the computer.. I need to get started soon, the road to Os won't be easy, and yet I'm here slacking. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?! And I'm still wondering why my pageviews suddenly increase so fast?

And now we're going out for aunt's birthday dinner. But when will the adults come home and bring us out? I'm hungry..

I'm tired and lazy, but I've got to do this!

I've been writing cards for the entire day and my hands aching.. First it got swollen from the cutting of paper, and then there are blisters from eating 2 hours of crab, now writing (idk how many) cards, so sorry dear fingers, but I've got to hurt you in the process. It'll be over in Nov, where all the writing will stop and playing will start. And sorry that my handwriting is really gross, oh when was my handwriting ever neat?!

AND IT'S 6+ already, how time flies......

Thinking...

I've been thinking a lot during my trip back to Sarawak. It's been long and maybe, I was selfish. Since she took so long just to find my blog, I guess she was really 'on' about it and I shouldn't deny her the chance? I'm really sorry for my childish and selfish behavior. I'll unlock this blog.. I didn't consider the time you spent and the determination it took to find this. I'm really sorry! :( I was being selfish and you got hurt in the process. Pardon me for my insensitivity and failure at thinking about others.

On a side note, I do admit that I take really long to accept reality and let things sink in. Maybe it's just my weakness, and yep, I'm trying to try to get over things faster (if I even make any sense). And I just realized that hope-forabettertomorrow and live-forthelittlethings have the same number of alphabets, that's like sooo cool, hehe.

And I really LOVE crabs. And I realized that they do teach us life lessons as well! When you put many crabs in a basket and tie them, they'll try to get out. They'll try their best to get out, and once they're on the verge of getting out, they get pulled back again. It's so true in our daily lives. Sometimes, when we try to go ahead of our peers and do our own things, people will pull us down, people will tell us that we're not good enough, people will lead us onto the wrong road. And we get poked, pushed, pulled and in the end, we are tired, we get weary, but we accept it and follow. We want acceptance. But we've got to be strong and persevere, we've got to stand up for what's right, we got to believe. I've been trying so hard to be myself, to not be influenced by the wrong people. Sometimes, the constant struggle in life is not to lose yourself, yeah, I'm trying..

And when you're eating crabs, the shell is really hard, and you've got to break open it in order to eat the sweet and soft flesh inside. I suffered many blisters on my index finger in my attempt to eat the crab and Anna jiejie was so nice to crack it for me. In life, if we want to be successful, to reach our dreams, we've got to break open many 'shells', we've got to suffer, but determination will get us there. We've got to FIGHT for what we really want, and overcome all obstacles that come in our way, even if it means getting injured, hurting, but these sacrifices will be worthwhile. The taste of success is sweeter that you'll ever imagine. And I really hope that I would be able to endure, to pull through, to emerge successful. Pain in temporary, but success is everlasting. True though, but I also cannot neglect my spiritual life in the process, and balancing isn't really easy. Although there will surely be helplines along the way, like how Anna jiejie helped me, but in the end, it's how much you want something that you are willing to put in the equivalent amount of effort to reach your goals.

Well, I don't really know if this makes sense, cause this thought flashed across my head as I was resting after 10 crabs were in my tummy. I just hope that it serves as a motivation for me to strive harder in both my spiritual and academic life. Hope all works out well..

27th June BABIES

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GANZ!! :)

HAPPY 16TH BIRTHDAY!! Thanks for the friendship for the past year! We've had a really great year last year, HAHA Thanks for always being there for me and we can just go crazy and do nonsensical things to embarrass ourselves in public 'cause we're AWESOME like that!! And all the fun times we had like sneaking outside class during Chinese to camwhore and taking umglam shots of laoshi, HAHAHA

Although this year might be tough, stressful and demanding, but we'll pull through this year together! Jiayou for the next half of the year, we can do it! Hope you'll have a blast and enjoy your special day tomorrow. LUVYAAA <3
#blurp00ps4lyfe #YOLO

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KORKOR!! :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Thanks for taking care of me when I was little and for always buying us presents. Thanks for the birthday gift, I REALLY LOVE IT!!! <3333

Bake for me soon!! These look really yummy and they're bite-size aka I can finish a lot!! Just looking at them, they look adobz and I need them inside my tummy, hehe.

PARTY'S OVER, BACK TO REALITY

Went back to Malaysia for a while to visit Mama. When we arrived, 2nd aunt brought us to her house to meet up with meimei and didi and cousin 善. Dinner and back to Mama's house in Sibu cause 善 had school the next day. Met up with Keat, Nga and Elvera. Wow, Elvera has really grown up sooo fast.

We went to Bintangor the next day. SHOPPING and great food there. Met up with Anna jiejie, faye jiejie, Joan, Joey and Joss. Had loads of fun!! :) Dinner that night consisted of a HUGE platter of crab, to my disbelief and amazement. As usual, I was the first to sit there and the last to go off. I ate from 5.30-7.30pm, in which 5.30-6 was for rice and soup and the remaining of the time was for CRAB! I ate and ate and ate like a piggy and everyone was like '你还在吃？', and I was there omnomnom, yumz. And after that i had a bathe and ate somemore maggie mee. Don't be amazed people, this fatty pig can really eat! Reason why I'm called 猪八戒 from the show 孙悟空, HAHA.. With my new specs and behavior, I look like Amy jiejie, according to Anna jiejie, HAHAHA, sokay, I'll be the little Amy jiejie.

Spent another day playing with Joan and Joey. Pillow fights, hide-and-seek, catching and whatnots. Relieving childhood memories, hehe.. And Joss is really big and naughty, and requires much of care.. Playful little boy. And it was back to Mama's house for some packing and back to Singapore.

Okay, Xuanqi, fun times are over, it's gonna be really serious from now on.. Better be mentally prepared!! But there goes my motivation...

AWAKE AND ROLLING!

Okay, so I'm still awake here.. Was completing ROD cards when Dad chased me to sleep. I don't really blame him since it's really late and I need to sleep. Thanks for the reminder Dad, or else I'd be staying up all night!

And I'm really sorry to my finger for cutting so much paper without a break.. It's really swollen and still hurting although I've finished cutting everything quite a while ago. And I'm going to hurt it even more since I still have cards to write. PLEASE PARDON ME FOR MY HANDWRITING, to the ROD present receivers and the birthday gurls, index finger got hurt thanks to the ruthless Xuanqi.

And I've got to wake up at 6.30am tomorrow, so that's only 4 HOURS of sleep, ahhhh?!?! Secretly blogging here while the whole world's asleep.. Good night world, Xuanqi's trying to get the most out of her 4 hours of sleep. I bet I'll crash tomorrow.

A PRODUCTIVE DAY

I finally completed cutting all that letters, LIKE FINALLY... Took me a day (Okay, maybe 6 hrs). Now, there's still 14+ cards to write (ROD and birthdays) numerous presents to wrap and everything else! My finger's swollen and it hurts really badly. Maybe cause I was cutting paper non-stop for 6 hours.. But luckily I've completed all my holiday homework, apart from the dialogue which I'm gonna ask meimei to help. Believe me or not, she has always helped me through all the book reviews and phrase book and whatnots rubbish that the English department asks us to do when I was a Sec 1. THANKS MEIMEI!! <3 And thus, I shall request for her help to complete this dialogue cause I'm too lazy and the burden of ROD and birthday presents have been on my mind for reallyyyy long, hence I've decided to get it done.

And Mum, meimei and didi are all in Malaysia. Mum got stung by a bee some day ago, hope you're alright now, Mum.. Dad came home early today, but guess what?? I, being a sleepyhead piggy, was still in my dreamland, HAHAHA :) Dad told me that meimei and didi went out to sell fruits today, WHAT?! That must be like the BIGGEST JOKE I've heard, and I was totally in shock.. Seriously, they went to do business in Malaysia, HAHAHA Now thinking about it, I think it's a good experience for them to start working, and since they're soooo smart, they can support this dumb little piggy here, hehe ^^

Yeah, gotta admit that as compared to my siblings, I'm the dumbest, although I'm like the oldest. Meimei's the smartest and the most punctual one, didi is really smart, but he's a lazy bum.. Oh well, laoshi told me that guys are all like that, and there will be one point of time that they'll suddenly feel the need to study and will study really hard.. Then I'll be left as the dumbest, but sokay, Xuanqi doesn't compare herself with siblings younger than her!

Okay, gotta continue the CARDS and PRESENTS, but going out for dinner with aunt now. We'll be back quite late, so I guess I'll have to stay up tonight..

Everyone has their own story to tell..

I was chatting with Kiren, as always, and HAHAHAHAH, she really entertained me!! :)

She just came back from Malaysia, thinking that the haze was a JOKE?! HAHAHA
And she was complaining about the haze and that the government wasn't doing anything but sit there and TALK..

'That Tony Tan prolly relaxing with air-purifier in the Istana"
"HIS DOG ALSO PROLLY"
"special doggy kennel"
"dog mask"

HAHAHAHAHAHAH, Kiren.. Thanks for forever entertaining me and for buying my birthday present! :)

And thanks for being so open and sharing about your life yesterday night.. I really learnt a lot. Don't be sad kayy!! And thanks for being my friend since Sec 1. I really didn't know that you were suicidal, but luckily 5 guys brought you back to life! And we had sooo much happy times in Sec 2, HAHAHA and we're still friends now.. I'll miss you when you go to London to visit the 5 guys that saved you, don't forget to ship me presents kayy! LUVYA <3

Happiness can be found in even the darkest places

IF ONLY ONE REMEMBERS TO TURN ON THE LIGHT~

(The continuation of the title! Okay, Xuanqi's just being lame)

I think that Demi Lovato is really strong, although I didn't really know about her till quite recently, HAHAHA, thanks kiren.. It's going to be alright, Xuanqi. Just believe~

THANKS MUM!!

So I went out shopping with Mum and didi today..

First stop: Jurong East
I went there to get a haircut! And believe it or not, I HAVE SIDE BANGS NOW!! I didn't know how side bangs were cut, so I just asked the lady to just cut it for me, and to my surprise, it's better than I had expected it to be! Having side bangs is quite cool and I love it! It's a new experience after all, and I think it feels really good! And I cut the back too! And it was free, cause the lady forgot to deduct the price of the haircut, then when Mum told them, the guy was like 算了吧, so yep.. A free haircut, maybe it was my belated birthday gift from whatever saloon that was..

And I went to buy this shirt, which looks so super girly and the lady said i was tooo thin, which I'm apparently NOT.. And there was like no size for everything, ARGH.. But sokay, I love that shirt cause I think it looks cool, although, yeah, superrr girly.

Second stop: JEM
The new Jurong East Mall just opened and we went there to buy goodies for Grandma in Sarawak. We bought many things and didi threw one Percy the Pig sweet into the basket of to-buys and yep, it's almost gone.. And I bought 2 shorts on the way to JEM, and I LOVE THEM!! They look so pretty, although I've gotta admit that my fashion sense isn't really good..

Third stop: IMM
We went there to get myself a new pair of glasses cause the old one has lasted me 6 years, and it's time to change.. Thanks for your service these 6 years, dear old Spectacles.. I bought you in Kulim when I was P4 and you have helped me to see. I know that I often mistreat you, but thanks for allowing me the gift of proper sight. So this new pair of specs makes me look so nerdy, but Mum and the shop lady said it looks nice, so oh well, I'll believe them since my sense of fashion can never be trusted..

OKAY, so it was a great day and it allowed me to take my mind off things for a while.. And with side bangs and a pair of nerdy Spectacles, I'll either turn out really good (?) or just a sight. It's a risk that I'm taking, and I hope it pays off, although I highly think that I'll look a sight.

I'm so sick of this, yet I can't bring myself to forget...

I've been thinking about the incident for some time now.. Is it really worth fretting about people finding out my blog?! I don't really know, but I guess I need time to let it sink in, to accept the reality, and to face it with courage. I know I'll definitely be judged in some way or another, so I shall not care about it.. BUT, the problem is that I just can't bring myself to do so. I get encouraged by what David Louis once said "Let as many people see the inner you, the smallest you, the vulnerable you, so that many hearts would get touched and many lives changed, renewed and empowered". Maybe it wasn't a bad thing? But I still can't really bring myself to open this blog NOW, it's too scary and dangerous and I'm afraid!! :(

"Don't ever judge anyone. You don't know their story, and what's really going on. 'Cause a smile can hide so much." Yes, this is sooo true.. Xuanqi, remember what meimei told you, if people want to judge, let them. It won't affect you in any way.. Yes, meimei, but things aren't as simple as you think. The world out there is scary, and I don't want to face it. I ain't as strong as you, and I really admire people who are so strong.

It's not about what you do, it's about how you do it.
It's not about what you see, it's about how you see it.
It's not about how your life is, it's about how you live it"

#YOLO

It's stuck in my mind, ARGH

Why are tears so salty? Why is life so difficult? Why are promises forever broken? Why is trust so fragile? Why is growing up so difficult? Why can't I stay forever young? WHY OH WHY is this thing called life so miraculous, yet at the same time so brittle?

I don't really know, and I still have a phobia of opening up this blog to the world.. I'm still thinking of what my image has become of, how my life is so screwed when secrets are exposed.. I'm going to be judged every single day of my messed up life, XUANQI, why are you so messed up now?

I don't really want to be prefect, and i admire being imperfect, cause it has given me much more than i had expected. I don't really hate anyone, but my stupid self.. Maybe this is all part of this nonsense called GROWING UP.. Life's not really looking positive right now, but i still hold on to that little faith that it's going to get better.. I miss you, hope-forabettertomorrow, only when you're gone that I truly understand what it really means to hope and believe..

"My life isn't perfect, but I am grateful", yes, I am so grateful to everyone who has entered my life and impacted in, no matter how small, cause a small action goes a looooong way.

"God gave you this life because you're strong enough to live it", and I thank Him for this every single day. Thank you Lord for giving me this life, for creating me and making me your masterpiece. Thank you for never judging and being ever so forgiving.. Thanks for your sacrifice and your everlasting love. I would never be able to fully understand your love for me and how great you are. I'm eternally grateful to you for this and I hope to have a great relationship with you. Thank you for loving me and always being there for me. I will rely on you to provide for me and lead me onto the path you have planned for me. I love you and I plead with you to get me out of this misery. But if it's your will that I suffer, I'll gladly accept and thank you for this, for through this, I would become stronger. I pray that I'll be more generous and patient, sacrificing to become more like your Son. I thank you for everything, and I LOVE YOU. <3

BYE DADDY!! See you soon..

Dad went off for some work-related stuff and he just left not long ago.. Have a safe trip, Dad! When you come home, Xuanqi will be the only one at home to open the door. Everyone else would have gone back to Malaysia.. Xuanqi's lonely days are coming!!

"People think being alone makes you lonely, but I don't think that's true. Being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest thing in the world"

QUALITY CAFE @ QUALITY HOTEL

 Thanks for today, guys!! <3 I really enjoyed myself!! We had real fun! Eating like little piggys, hehe :) Thanks for all the birthday wishes, I've never felt so accepted before.. And for the treat! I feel really blessed, guys, I OWE IT TO YOU ALL.. And the movie too! Thanks guys, I'm so touched, and this has been the best birthday I've ever had!!

I LOVE YOU FOREVER HUNGRY, YOU'VE BEEN AWESOMEE!! <3<3<3<3<3

Since a picture paints a thousand words, I'll let the pictures do the talking, HAHA

THANKS GUYS!! YOU ALL ARE AMAZING PEOPLE, NEVER FORGET THAT!

THANKS FOR ORGANIZING, QIAOXU!! K3U

DO RE MI FA.....

Portrait in the hotel, it was beautiful! <3

THANKS FOR THE POLAROID!! #prettygurls

At the eagle outside the hotel, talltallshortshort, HAHA Camwhore crazeee

Hey Xuanqi!! You're all grown up now.. Stay strong!!

I CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP..

I don't know why, but i was crying really badly last night. I went to bed at 1am, and I cried till 3am, I think, before sleeping. I don't really know why, there were just too many things in my mind. I tried staring outside, taking deep breaths and praying, but it didn't seem to work. I was reminiscing the good times, and really sad that it would NEVER happen again. My pillow's all wet now and I hope it has dried..

I DON'T WANT TO GROW UP!! :( I didn't know that growing up would be sooo painful..

And my privacy was invaded. I feel so restricted now.. I just wanted to post whatever that was seriously on my mind, and not fake something so that I would look good. I wanted to be real, and not shallow. I wanted to be myself, although I know that I'm not perfect. I know that I take very long to allow people 'into' me and trust them with everything, and now I feel so dirtied, i feel so exposed, I HATE MYSELF. To be really honest, I really wouldn't mind if you didn't tell me, but there's no turning back now.. Just know that I don't hate you at all, I just hate myself, like really hate myself.. I'm such a failure at everything, EVERYONE, just assume that I don't exist, and i never existed..

"I let you see the parts of me that weren't all that pretty...."

And it was soooo hard for me to change my URL, I took agessss to think of the perfect URL: hope-forabettertomorrow.. RIP, hope-forabettertomorrow, I'll always remember you, and this message that you bring to me every time, to hang on tight and HOPE, tomorrow will surely be better..

And to Xuanqi, tonight's going to be another cry-yourself-to-sleep night, so you'd better be mentally prepared.. And I am in urgent need of a friend to talk to now, maybe I shall call Nadine. Thanks for being such an AWESOME friend to me these years. We've known each other for really long now, HAHA, childhood friends! :) Thanks for always being by my side, and I think we grew closer during Dec Teens Retreat 2012! I LOVE YOU, thanks for always being there for me.. <3

THANKS FOR TODAY.

There was a carnival in church today, and I had fun! Thanks Violet, Angela and Xueyi! Went home to rest and relax go high and crazyy..

And then we went to Vivo to eat Brazilian buffet and celebrate Father's Day too! I feel so xintong, it was sooo expensive. $50/person, like ahhh. And I was acting all retarded, either I was high or crazy or just drunk. And I still can't believe that I had acted so retarded when the waiters served us.. After dinner, I was sooo full that I couldn't even walk straight, so i was like some drunken chicken walking around Vivo. And Wendy called me, and she was laughing at the state i was in, HAHAAH. #foreverhungry #blurp00psforlyfe, HAHAHA thanks for entertaining me when i was high, ganz! :)

And sis baked my birthday cake!! <3 I love you sis, thanks for the surprise.. I had thought you were joking when you said you're going to bake, but thanks for the cake, sis!! I really really didn't expect it!

And there's gonna be another buffet tomorrow, THANKS forever hungry!! I just hope that I wouldn't get creamed/caked in public.. In school, i don't really mind cause I'm already used to embarrassing myself and going crazy with Wendy as my buddy!! I LOVE YOU FOREVER HUNGRY!! <3

And Wendy's birthday is coming soon.. I just hope that I would be able to brew ginseng properly, since it's her wish.. HAHA i just realized we've got sooo much in common! We can't step into the kitchen lest something really absurd happens, and we are horrible at directions and we can go crazyy over nothing.. And all the weird things we do, like stealing Phyu's pencil case, camwhoring during Chinese, going crazyy and our drinking beer plan, HAHAHAA 30June2015!!

And HAHAHA, yep, you're the last person to wish me, as you have planned, LUVYA!! <3 #memoriesinthemaking

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!

 DEAR DADDY,

Thank you for always being there for me ever since I was born. I know I wasn't the ideal child and it wasn't easy to care for me. That's why I kept travelling to all parts of Malaysia with Grandma. I still can remember all the fun times I had when I was the only child and I had all the attention. And I was chor chor's FIRST great grandchild, so I was always the center of attention at dinners.

I can also remember that I slept in a basket, and you all always carried me around in a basket. And you brought me to visit meimei when she was born and I gave her a little teddy. And the unexpected guy came too!

Thanks for always teaching me values such as integrity and never give up. Although I know I'm not very artistic or a language person as compared to meimei and didi, but you never gave up on me. I still remembered the first time I got a C, which was for Chinese in Sec 3. And you encouraged me to continue to work hard and press on even though i really wanted to give up. Thanks for all the life lessons which really shaped me into the person I am today. I thank you for being an AMAZING dad, who didn't tell me how to live, but to live and let me watch you do it.

'My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person: He believed in me"

"A dad is someone who wants to catch you before you fall but instead picks you up, brushes you off and let you try again" THANK YOU for letting me fall, letting me experience what it's like to fail, so that these experiences would go a longg way in shaping the future me! THANK YOU & I LOVE YOU!! <3

I HAVE AWESOME DESKMATES!!

THANK YOU JESSICA (AKA DA PRO) AND CANDACE (AKA AUNTY CAN-CAN)!!! <3

You've been the MOST AMAZING deskmates I've ever asked for. I will always remember the times we helped each other cause we didn't know the answer for teacher's questions, but one of us kenna. And the times where we took turns to sleep so in case a teacher called one of us, we would still be able to answer. And the times where we were just playing and having fun!

There were days that we just wanted to give up, but we encouraged each other to press on. THANKS for being there for me. K3U!!

THE 16-YEAR OLD GIRL

I'm 16 years old now. To be honest, I don't really know if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but I guess I gotta take everything that's gonna come my way. Life isn't going to be easy from now onwards, it's going to be the final battle towards the O LEVELS, and I'm scared. I just got to relax and know that everything happens for a reason.

And I've very grateful to the people who have been in my life, impacted it in one way or another.

'God doesn't give you the people you want, he gives you the people you need. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you the person you were meant to be'.

Hence, I'm really grateful to everyone who has appeared in my life. THANK YOU AND I LOVE YOU.

DECEMBER RETREAT!! The Hobbit: The Unexpected Journey..

Thanks to M16 and all the new friends I've made.

I LOVE YOU WEST TEENS!! I hope to get to know you all even better. You all are amazing people, and together, we'll glorify God.

From MADCOWS to FOREVER HUNGRY, you've always been there for me. THANK YOU!! :)

To BORN FOR VICTORY, we've been through 4 grueling, demanding, rushed and CRAZY years, THANKS for the friendships and support. I will always have 16 brothers with me. I LOVE YOU

To my buddies, thanks for always being there for me. Without you all, I don't really know how I'll survive Sec 3 and 4. Thanks for the laughter and fun! :)






To EXCEL WITH PRIDE, you all are a bunch of crazy cadets who came into NC and became my cadets. It's been a pleasure working with you all..
STUDY HARD, PLAY HARD & EXCEL WITH PRIDE

I'm excited! :D

Okay, I'm feeling really bored and Kiren isn't online to entertain me, so i guess I'll have to entertain myself!

Sis is baking outside and I'm just awaiting for that oven to 'ding' and I'll rush out of this room to grab a piece of the cake, HAHA..

There's SEC 2 IC GROUP REUNION this week! We're going bowling i think.. I'm really horrible at bowling, and i highly doubt that I'll bowl. I'll just go and spend time with my pals :) And there's celebratory event coming up. Congrats Theophilia and Joween, I'm so proud of you all!! And there's also spend time with Jennifer, I'm just hoping that i can make it. Why is she so rushed, people need time to think and plan and ponder, cause big decisions like these, i just hope I'll pull through all fine.

And Mum is pestering me to organize something and invite people over for my birthday, but I've not seriously thought over it yet. There's going to be a family carnival in church on my birthday and it ends at 4pm, so i highly doubt anyone would be willing to celebrate my birthday with me :( Maybe I'm fated to be forever alone? I love surprises, but i don't think anyone would want to waste their time surprising me, so i guess my 16th birthday would pass by real quickly and no one would remember..

But maybe, 'FOREVER HUNGRY' is gonna plan something really unexpected.. I kinda have a hunch that it's true, but oh well, i shaln't have any expectations for my birthday, maybe I'll spend time having fun at the carnival and have a mini celebration all by myself? Argh, i don't really know...

PlayMAX!

Went to Playmax! yesterday with Yi Gin, Jovina, Natalie, Janani, Wendy and Qiaoxu!

Met Wendy and we went to Cityhall for Macbreakfast before meeting the rest. We met Zile too! Playmax! was really fun and tiring, but it's worth reliving our childhood memories :) We had Udders ice-cream and lots of fun!

We went to some roller thing, it was really scary, but once you get the hang of it, IT'S REALLY FUN!! Wendy and Janani were like the first 2 while I came in third. Jovina and YiGin were really scared, but it's alright. They did well too! But cutting the corners, HAHA. Then we went to some chalkart place. That lady did so many designs that were amazing. And we did our own chalkart, to the horror of those who weren't artistic, aka Wendy and I. And i found out that 50% of the clique did not know how to spell our clique name, HAHAHA

I think that ExtremeMAX! was really interesting. It showed me how people could do real muscular stuff, especially that woman. And everything they did had a message, which was really inspiring. Yes, people may pull us from left to right, but we must stay focus and trust in God. And people may tell us lots of lies on who we are, and we get so affected by it, but today, that book of lies was torn. I am so amazed by this wonderful group of people who put their strength into action, with a story to tell. It taught me that no matter how many times we go to church, doesn't make us a Christian. It's when we commit ourselves to God and make him the No. 1 in our life that we will really feel extreme joy and a blessed life.

Then we went to ninjaMAX! and funMAX! where we had real fun! It was really fun from Stage 1 where we played what we played when we're young, to Stage 2, a lifesize version for young kids like the past, to Stage 3 where it was lifesize for us! It was really exciting where we could play and just be #foreveryoung. It was a real relieve of our childhood. And to our utter surprise, we WON funMAX! But we weren't there to collect our prize, so it's alright! :)

And then stageMAX! where we watched a skit. It really taught me about ourselves and made us reflect on who we really are. 'Cleaned outside, what about inside?' Can we keep thinking of ways to clean our inside when it's just not going to work. We need help from the OUTSIDE. Similarly, can we clean our own heart when our own heart is making us unclean? IMPOSSIBLE! Only God, the Maker of men's heart can clean our evil hearts. It makes me wonder, in my life, am I trying to always be optimistic, am I trying to lead or am I too weak that all I want to do is give up? But that's all cleaning the outside, but what about the inside? Maybe behind that carefree life and plastered smile is me, dying inside, hurting so badly, desperately needing a friend, thoughts running wild inside of me, difficult decisions, problems and everything else.. Maybe we should help everyone in need, regardless of what plight one is in. Maybe that might just make that difference, maybe that might save someone, maybe that might allow one to learn many life lessons, maybe God will make something better of that friendship.

Then we had lunch, but we missed Pastamania and Umisushi, so we had to settle for fried rice and chicken cutlet. But it was alright, I really enjoyed myself and the food tasted great! Then we went to shopMAX! and shopped. There were really nice and wonderful things. 'DREAM...' was what I got, to remind me to keep believing that everything happens for a reason, to remind myself to hold on to that little glimmer of hope, to not give up when times are tough, to endure. This year is going to be crazy, but don't forget to dream and believe, everything will work out fine.

Then we went to collect our goodie bags before going home. I had real fun today and it made me think about my life again. To treasure everything I have and be grateful, to not give up and trust the Lord, to have fun, but at the same time, don't forget the ultimate aim of the carnival.

And we overshot the time by 3 HOURS?! So we were inside there for 6 hours, that's like double the time we were allocated. Usually, we shouldn't be able to visit all the stations, but we did, apart from talentMAX!, but HAHAAH, it's alright.. We're awesome like that! :)

And guess what?! When I reached home, and bathed, I was flipping through the newspaper for an article so that I could complete my 5 newspaper reviews, and luckily Grandma helped me find one. And I went back to my desk to grab a scissors so i could cut that article out, but I ended up falling asleep on Grandma's bed. I just crashed and awoke at 7am today. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!? Okay, maybe I enjpyed myself too much that I was really tired. But oh well, luckily Grandma helped me to keep that newspaper, so I shall cut that article out now..

HOBO-ING

Left house after lunch to Jurong Point to get some things for homework and ROD gift.. Then went to Jurong library to hobo by myself for 4 hours before Dad brought us for dinner.

In that 4 hours, there were fun times texting people and there were times for stoning and relaxing and there were times for serious Amath/physics/Emath.. But overall, I'm starting to like times in the library, i don't even know why. Oh wells, but I don't like to be alone, although sometimes I'd prefer to. Being alone gives you time and space to just be yourself, think about things you want to and just love yourself for who you really are. But being alone too many times isn't healthy as you would become very not sociable, i think?

And there was this lady who was sitting beside me with her friend. The lady was frantically teaching her friend everything regarding Maths, like arghhh, can you just keep quiet?!?! And they seem to be university graduates, but the lady was teaching her friend what I learnt last year. It's not that I wanted to eavesdrop on them, but they were annoying me like BIG time.. I was trying to do my Physics and there that woman was teaching and droning on and on. And after she finished teaching like the Sec 3 syllabus to some uni kid, she was giving her encouragements and whatnots. And argh, i couldn't concentrate, so I was better off listening to their conversation.

I don't know if i prefer to study in the library or study at home. But I'm really sensitive to noise and I hate it when people make noises when I'm trying to get things done. Studying in the library gives me time alone and to hobo by myself. But studying at home makes me more at ease. I guess only time will tell...

倒霉的一天

And since I slept at 1am from all the action yesterday, I was really sleepy and not attentive during lesson today. Firstly, everything was in a mess and I couldn't get anything done. And I was clearing my desk in the morning and printing Chem notes. And I left house late and reached school late, but luckily lesson haven't started. And I forgot my ex-link card, which was the worst thing. And I thought that there was only Chemistry and English, and i didn't know that there was also MT, Biology, Amath and Geog and I didn't bring any of the books. So I'm seriously so screwed. And with the lack of sleep, today just wasn't my day. Why does it have to happen to me today when my mind is in a mess and my actions are nothing far from clumsy. Ahh, why am I just like that?!?

And I just realized how much more screwed I am for Chinese and the disappointment is back. I guess it's alright to break down and cry sometimes, to let everything out, to start anew, to stop holding everything in, to calm down, and to get encouraged.

@Wendy: It's alright. Being compared isn't nice and to feel inferior is really bitter. I'm sure you'll do really well from the effort you put in and how hardworking you are. It's alright to cry at times, to let everything out. The reason you're breaking down is because you've stayed strong for too long. Don't keep everything inside you kayy!! (although I'm like in no position to say this) Thanks for your encouragement and motivation when I'm just so tired and worn out. JIAYOU to you too!! Don't worry, you'll do well. I believe in you.

Disappointment, failure, sorrow

Well, it's been a while since i last blogged. So I shall update more. Things happen just way too quickly that when you're absorbed in the moment, you can hardly have time to blog about it.

So yesterday, I died during Chinese Os. IT WAS A KILLER PAPER!! Okay, I'm like so screwed.. I told myself time and time again that I must work hard, that I must not give up no matter what, to press on, and to do my VERY best. I don't want to be a disappointment, I don't want to let laoshi, Mum and Dad down, I don't want to screwed myself up more than I'm already. I want to do myself proud, I want to make my teachers and parents proud of who I am and what I've done. I want them to feel that their efforts, time and love are not wasted.

But guess what, Xuanqi, IT DIDN'T WORK OUT. You SCREWED that Chinese paper. I don't know why I'm crying but I just feel that I'm letting everyone down. I'm really sorry to all those who believed in me, I'm sorry for being a disappointment, I'm sorry for not putting in more effort, I'm sorry for always letting you all down. To everyone who wished me Good Luck, thank you. But I'm really sorry for disappointing everyone. I love you all, I'll do my very best. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Words can never express my sorrow. I don't really mind what I get, it's just the disappointment I cause that I can't forgive myself for. I don't know what to feel now, the sense of failure is just so great.

Hold on to that little glimmer of hope..

And I went for MADCOWS lunch with Ariel, Celeste, Jeanette, Charmaine, Faith at Seoul Gardens. Okay, i ate like some pig and at least it gave my mind a break from the Chinese. Thanks guys, I love you! <3

And then anna jiejie's family came and we had fun! And I reached home at like 10.40pm. And there were like 5 kids scurrying around the house, HAHA. Joss has grown up so much, he's so cute now, hehe. I can still remember how that one-year-old Joss replied me when I asked him if he wanted me to bring him somewhere, '要要要!', haha.. He's so cute. And James has grown so much too, long time no see! He has huge eyes, and the last time i saw him was when airu jiejie was still pregnant with him. And Joan, Joey and Jayden are all grown too! Okay, I had fun whilst fighting for the toilet with them so I could bathe. It's not that I was oozing, but I haven't bathed since the bathe before Os and I was still in school uniform and felt really gross.

YAY, I loved yesterday..