I remembered the 2 week break before the Os were the most stressful. I found myself doubting my capabilities a lot and the thought of maybe retaining so I would have more time. I remembered imagining myself sick or caught in a major accident or plagued with an illness so that I could retain and have more time for studying. The feeling of unpreparedness and doubt were constantly on my mind. But then again, I couldn't bear to see myself go through all that torture again. I was in a dilemma.
During Os, it was tiring. Mentally draining. I didn't realize that even doing Math would require so much energy. It was just draining me - physically, mentally, emotionally. I remembered AM. It was tougher than anyone had expected. I remembered fearing that I would not get an A1. It was a really bad feeling inside of me and the disappointments and let downs and not meeting expectations came back. I remembered crying so hard in the toilet and doubting myself a lot. I just wanted to quit, to give up. Luckily Grandma was there. She told me to stop focussing on the bad and maybe start focussing on the good. Why was I fearing when the papers aren't even marked? Why was I fearing when the results aren't out yet? But I just couldn't get that feeling out of me. I just couldn't stop thinking about it. It took many cryings in the toilet, where I could be by myself and expose a different side on me, a more vulnerable side, the emotional side. It took many self reflection - to let go and move on. I remembered PSLE, how I left 20 marks worth of questions blank because the paper was just TOO difficult, yet I could get an A*. It took constant reminders to stop pondering. It was a struggle. But finally, I managed to subdue the strong negative feeling and focused on the papers ahead.
Now, as the Os are ending (okay, not yet), I realized that it has been a bittersweet journey. It has not been easy, but thinking back, I'm glad I did it.
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